My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
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there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Well, that should do it
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
being a writer on Twitter:
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.