No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
You Might Also Like
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more