*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Boating season is upon us.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.