Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
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My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
The little toadstool has spoken.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for