my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.