2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
real
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.