“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.