Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
You Might Also Like
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My dad teaching me to drive
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?