Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.