ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
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As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Worth the read.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”