I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.