I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
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Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Self-cleaning conscience
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life