The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Jupiter
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My zodiac sign is pistachio
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else