Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes