I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.