I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…