You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.