My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you