SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
what day is it?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?