Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
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Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?