I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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i would wish you the best but i am the best
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Flock of bats
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.