FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
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the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.