I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”