Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.