Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill