The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
britain’s three elite institutions
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR