I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
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Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
girls literally only want one thing..
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I was up all night reading about insomnia
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2