I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time