3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Very good news from my accountant
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
adam and eve had first world problems
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”