Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
my nickname in college
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?