If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata