job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Get in loser we’re going crying
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.