I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance