Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
calling in to work dehydrated
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.