Stop sending me this shit.
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
birds and squirrels envy us
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at