[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.