But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
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Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!