BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
You Might Also Like
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick