I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.