Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
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There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
titanic
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.