My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
You Might Also Like
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”