My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man