Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Meat Cute
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.