Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
You Might Also Like
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
79.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.