Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.