I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
first you must answer his riddles
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Bros before Ohioes
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office