“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I think they could have phrased this better
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Denise please return my vape pen
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.