[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)