If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Festive toon…
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.