9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
You Might Also Like
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The glory of fall.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith